The Harriton Banner » The Harriton Banter

It’s Settled: Interview With the Gym Tryer

RSmith — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 14:48:24 +0000

You may be aware of the demographic at Harriton known as “Gym Tryers.” We all know what it means to be a gym tryer, and frankly most of us have been caught in the act of gym trying before. I myself am somewhat of a gym tryer. Concerned about my future, I contacted a member of the Harriton class of 2001 who was known as a gym tryer. I conducted an interview in an undisclosed location and I had the privilege to hear many stories that had never been shared before. He however asked to remain anonymous in this interview:

I started off by asking about his experience as a Harriton gym tryer. He told me that dodgeball was his favorite sport, though he always enjoyed a good game of Tchoukball. “Mr. Papsin was my role model, so since 6th grade I wanted to put in as much effort as I could in positively everything I did.”

However, his efforts became a disadvantage and it backfired on him in 2006 in his first office position. “So, I was in the office,” he said, “and I saw one of my coworkers handing a cup of coffee to the boss. Something came over me; I don’t know what it was, but I before I knew it, the coffee was on the ground and I was shouting “INTERCEPTION!”

I asked what had sparked this incident, and he responded, “I don’t know! I just had this sensation sweep over me. It was like a euphoria that drove me to display my athletic talents in an inappropriate time and place. I saw our boss about to get the coffee and I just thought, I must stop this or we’ll lose the game! I don’t even know what game we were going to lose; I just knew it was important!” Luckily, his boss was a former gym tryer as well and understood the situation.

However, his hyper competitive spirit broke through in an unfortunate way a few months later.
He explained, “I was getting ready for bed a few weeks ago when my wife jokingly threw a pillow at me because she wanted to sleep and I was being slow. Soon, a small joking pillow fight ensued. Of course it was all meant to be fun, and no harm was meant. I went to hit her again but this time there was no joke. She now has a concussion. Of course I had no intention of hurting her, it was all cute and flirty, until I got into the heat of the moment. I just felt like it was becoming a competition and if I didn’t go hard I would have to go home.”
He continued, “I feel like I need to win at everything! Even things I’m not supposed to win at! Like Jumping or Waving! And Yelling! I need to WIN AT YELLING.”
“But don’t you think that’s irrational?” I asked.

“I don’t know,” he responded, “It seems rational to me. Here’s another example. So a few years ago I started working for a pharmaceutical company as a researcher. I was working on a project I’ve been involved with for a while and I noticed my co-worker Jim was taking pipettes from the wrong box. His box was on the other side of the room, and I knew it didn’t make much of a difference, but rules were rules.”

I asked how this made him feel. He replied, “I felt like he was getting an unfair advantage because I was following the rules and getting pipettes from the other side of the room. So I told him so. He told me to ‘Chill Out.’ That snapped something in me, and I just lost it. I felt like I was being reasonable, following the rules, keeping everything fair. Then he told ME to chill, and it just made me so furious that someone could not care about the rules like I do.”

He concluded the interview saying, “I love competition. It drives me to do better, and so it gets out of hand sometimes. So what? Still… I hope my wife will talk to me again.”

Harriton Freshman Declares Himself “School Bully”

RSmith — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 16:49:49 +0000

At a staggering 5’3”, Jake Harris dominates his peers, he claims, through his sheer personal presence. He decided to take the position “High School Bully” after much thought and deliberation in his Narberth home the one night, with support from some older neighborhood kids and his cousin, Jimmy, also a bully.

The only issue seems to be that no one else was informed. “Until I see documentation, this is a non-starter,” said another freshman, ignoring Harris’ threats. The position, largely honorary, has been filled by prominent bullies of Harriton’s past, all of whom filled out the required paperwork and had parental signatures present (none were over eighteen at their time of ascent).

According to Harris’ parents, “Jake’s always been pretty well-behaved; I just can’t understand why he did not follow through with the paperwork. Why won’t he talk to us about these things; he’s usually so open with us. We’re worried about him.”

Since the departure of senior Matt Leguardia, Harriton’s most recent school bully, Harris has been eyeing the spot eagerly. Sophomore Tyler Garret was another contender for the spot. Regarding his drop out from the race, he made this statement: “Naw, das drawlin’! Sike I don’t even care; they whylin’!” Our Linguistics Team is currently working on a translation.
In a statement to Harriton’s student population, Harris reassured the public that, “things should go on as they were before. We lost an important member of our community; however, I will carry on his responsibilities as he would have, and we wish him the best of luck bullying adults in a real world setting.”

This proclamation, uncertified by the Harriton Department of Clichés, went unnoticed and was not distributed to students during their Advisory period, as is protocol (according to the committee’s bylaws, Article IV, Section II).

There has been concern expressed by Harriton community members about Harris’ legitimacy, but T-Rock (a member of Harris’ self-appointed “posse”) released this statement, unofficially, via Twitter: “Jake’s chill. And Lol my Spanish teachers so drawl”. One student in particular seemed to take a different stance, and posted on his Facebook, “I won’t believe in anyone new until I see the paperwork. Long live Laguardia!”

“Please don’t use my name,” added fellow freshman, Martin Bloom, of 18 E. Black Rock Rd North, Gladwyne, PA (right near the gas station).

In an interview with Harris, it was revealed that Harris’ new title might simply be in place to avoid being bullied himself. Harris admitted that he “sort of used to wear socks with sandals in middle school” and wanted to make sure he headed off any problems when he arrived at Harriton.

Harder in the Paint: Social Networking

RSmith — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 12:40:14 +0000

Having reviewed the internet, it is time for me to address the single most important aspect of this enormous reference center—communicating with friends. Skype, Facebook, Email, Instant Messaging, Twitter… the list grows by the day, by the hour. With so many methods of social networking at our fingertips, you can reach your friends and they can reach you in an instant. No one is safe. Which is why it is so important to realize the benefits of being “invisible”.

Say what? Yes, invisible. You know the drill. But have you realized the full potential of this beauteous tool? It’s not just for avoiding awkward conversations with ex-boyfriends, it can be utilized in such a way to facilitate avoiding all people. I myself only go on the available setting on any networking device between the hours of 4:15 and 4:30 pm on alternate Thursdays, just to switch things up a bit. That is how much I like being invisible, and I hope you learn to appreciate it as well.

One of the most obvious reasons for my hidden nature is that it allows one to selectively choose who one deigns to talk to. Gone are the days when you just wanted to ask that one person a question at 10:00 pm and then suddenly seven extraneous people try to talk to you at once (for the sake of this argument, it is assumed that everyone is as popular as me). Now you can talk to one person and one person only. Added bonus: since your friends will know that you are invisible and therefore choose who you want to talk to, they will feel extraspecial when they realize they are a member of the Elite Few.

Conclusion: Being Invisible is the best. 10 / 10 stars.

The Ryan King: BREAKING: Boise State Loses a Football Game

RSmith — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 19:08:55 +0000

On Saturday, November 12th, it is rumored that the Boise State University football team lost a game to the TCU Horned Frogs. This remains unconfirmed despite the best efforts of Banner reporters.

“I don’t get it!” said Science/Tech Editor Holden McGinnis. “It appears that regulation ended with TCU leading by one point, but no one can tell who won!” Past history indicates that almost all collegiate level games have ended with the leading team being declared the winner, but higher logic argues that Boise State may have survived their Saturday night scare.

McGinnis continued: “I ran some numbers and it turns out Boise State has won 100% of their home games the past ten years. Obviously they couldn’t have lost today; that would defy logic.”

The press swarmed to Broncos coach Chris Petersen after the game looking for some sort of clarity, but Petersen merely stated, “Did you know that if a couple teams in front of us lose, we’ll play for the national championship? Boise State! In the national championship! My golly.”

Boise’s star quarterback Kellen Moore was no more helpful, as he refused to leave midfield asking for the referees to consult the rulebook. “This has never happened before!” said Moore, who has amassed the most wins in NCAA history during his career. “I think we were losing when the clock hit zero. What happens next? Do we go to overtime?”

Moore did not seem pleased after the game.

The issue quickly swept the nation as several analysts shared their opinion on the game. Lee Corso, esteemed head of College Football Live, went into a long-winded sonnet that sang the praises of the Broncos program before declaring TCU the winner. Lou Holtz of ESPN even chipped in, proclaiming, “I think Notre Dame won.”

Former Boise State kicker Kyle Brotzman had a different take. “You guys are being really dumb. Obviously we won the game,” Brotzman brazenly asserted. “Trust me, when it comes to important games I’m always right.”

We sent several Banner staff writers to the state of Boise last night to investigate the matter, but we have yet to hear word of their arrival.

UPDATE: The loss was confirmed thanks to resident football expert John Madden, who analyzed the situation as such: “When you don’t score more points than the other team, you usually lose the game. Football!”

How to Make a Sandwich With Cassie Seltzer

RSmith — Mon, 31 Oct 2011 00:48:54 +0000

I am a sandwich professional. During my summers, instead of heading to the beach and getting a solid tan, I choose instead to work behind the counter in an ammonia-scented deli. It’s better for my skin in the long run, and I’ve picked up some good life lessons along the way.
The most important of these is how to make a sandwich.
Think about it. What food item is more versatile, more common, and more delicious? The possibilities are endless; the result is always tasty. So, as a self-proclaimed sandwich pro, I’d like to share with you some tips on how to create a delicious sandwich.
The first step is to get some great background music going, because nothing makes a sandwich taste better than the excitement going into the process. My favorites are anything Disney or John Mayer (he just makes the product taste more soulful, somehow), but honestly, anything goes.
Next, prepare your bread. This is usually the point at which I realize that there’s nothing even remotely resembling a loaf in my home, but that’s okay! Sandwich makers, never fear: substitutions are accepted, and usually encouraged. So we’ll move on, using Pop-Tarts or maybe some cheese slices. Anything edible and vaguely flat will do.
Following this, gather up the insides of your sandwich. There are the ever-popular PB&J, cheese, and/or meat combinations, or you can get more creative! Realize that there’s nothing really in your kitchen? That’s okay! Some people prefer more, shall we say, original combinations. Lately, I’ve heard people putting chocolate or various seasonal vegetables on their sandwiches. And of course, who doesn’t love bacon? For those with a bare kitchen not unlike mine, we can always root out something exciting like leftovers! Yeah, Chinese food two days later or cold pizza slices! Next up? Condiments! Some people prefer to make their own mayonnaise, in some complicated process involving eggs and oil and a cohesive thought process throughout. I prefer things out of bottles. Ah, to be young and lazy, when parents can provide you with all the peanut butter and mustard that you’d otherwise have to go out and procure for yourself. Nut allergies aside, hit up the Nutella. Everyone in the history of forever loves Nutella. Even if you do have nut allergies, eat it. Okay? Now, to reference those Disney/Pixar movies I love so much, don’t forget to add the best ingredient of all: perspective. (So many bonus points if you understand that.) While you’re dancing around to whatever background music you’ve selected, enjoying your awesome time, remembering the fabulous advice you’ve been given, don’t forget: sometimes things turn out differently than expected. Reality hurts, but that’s just part of life. If we can be philosophical for a second, just take the very literal hint in this article. Now, I don’t really need to spell this out for you, but when you end up with a Pop-Tart, pizza, and Nutella sandwich, you clearly haven’t been paying enough attention. Maybe it’s time to reevaluate your life choices? But not where you get your advice from. Because, after all, I’m a professional.

Harder in the Paint: The Walkman Radio

RSmith — Wed, 19 Oct 2011 13:04:07 +0000

In this day and age of rapid global expansion, it is important to keep up with every sort of trend. Clothing and fashion, hair, music, etc etc. The trendiest burrito joint of today may be the sad and abandoned shack of consumeristic dreams of tomorrow. Which is why I’m here, to provide all with the most up to date reviews, so that everyone can make educated decisions as to what to buy to boost popularity and awesomeness levels. Today’s feature is: The Walkman Radio

At first, I was skeptical. Portable music? The idea was too far-fetched for me to grasp instantly, but it can’t be denied that modern technology keeps getting crazier and crazier every day.

Overall, I was very pleased with the versatility of the walkman. Slightly too bulky to fit in a pocket, it is nonetheless able to be conveniently clipped onto a belt, allowing me to display my cool factor to the world. I was fortunate enough to purchase a very new model, which means that my personal radio runs on two batteries as opposed to four. Speaking of two, it has two headphone inputs in it, so in case a friend of mine has also headphones we can listen to the same music at the same time! Very reasonably priced at around $105, you still may need to save your allowance for a few weeks in order to afford one of these babies, the way I did. If you’re planning on purchasing a walkman, I recommend buying a fanny pack to put all of your cassettes into for easy access reasons. This allows for switching of albums while you’re on the go.

So far I am impressed with the fantastic quality of the sound the device offers, and the extreme portability. As mentioned above, I am also quite happy with how it merely needs two batteries in order to operate. Consensus: BUY. ONE. NOW, before they get swept off the shelves by your friends!

Note: Just got word of some new gadget called an “iPod”. Anyone have any info about this development? Let me know in the comments!

BREAKING NEWS: Harriton Student Has Too Much Homework

RSmith — Sat, 08 Oct 2011 20:31:32 +0000

Harriton sophomore Alex Shapiro has expressed a deep concern for the amount of work assigned to students at his school. “It’s not fair,” explained the 5’4” Harriton Freshman Basketball Team alumnus. “It’s like my teachers don’t even care that I have activities and friends and stuff.”

Shapiro participates in many extra-curricular activities, like playing basketball with his friends, strumming his acoustic guitar, and “chilling”. Clearly, a unique Harriton student. The sophomore has apparently inquired (although not to their faces) why his teachers don’t understand there are other things besides school. Added Shapiro, “my teachers are dumb.”

While he understands it’s to reinforce what he learns in school, he apparently “doesn’t give a crap” and “could care less about learning.” I asked him if he cares about getting into college, to which he responded, “that’s in like 20 years…they don’t care about my sophomore year!” Ah… to be young.

“He really won’t stop talking about it,” says junior Alexis Fisher, who heard Shapiro talking to his friends while waiting in the cafeteria’s slow hoagie line. She reports to have heard him “whining about a Western Civ assignment and having to study for a health quiz.”

“It isn’t fair!” confirmed Linda Shapiro, Alex’s mother, in a testy email to Western Civilization teacher Howie Kritzer. “It’s like they have no regard for Alex’s personal life!” The proud mother was confident, however, that an assertive email from a mother would set the teachers straight, as she’s found it useful during her son’s duration at Welsh Valley Middle School.

Kritzer had no comment, as he was busy eating ice cream with his wife.