We all know about summer reading lists – more like bummer reading lists. You have to read books with triple-digit page numbers that use words like primogeniture and manumission. All students understand that summer reading is a plot hatched by Lord Voldemort. It was intended to make sure that students do not do anything crazy, like enjoy summer or love reading. Yet, strangely, teachers still seem to think that students will do more than glance at every other word on every other page on every other book they are told to read. Rather than comply with You-Know-Who’s plot, use this alternative assignment, a list worth pursuing which will allow you to rediscover both summer and reading.

1. The Count Chocula Cocoa Puffs cereal box (Horror)

The short story on the back about how Count Chocula lures Willy Wonka back to his castle and gives him a Hershey’s Bite as opposed to a Hershey’s Kiss may not horrify you. If that fails to send shivers down your spine, then read the sugar content, and that surely will.

2. Your brother’s text messages explaining why he missed your beach party (Historical Fiction)

He claims to have been studying the psychology of ancient competition, but you know he was just at home watching “Gladiator” for the fourth time. Literary analysis at its best comes into play here.

3. Facebook posts about your friends’ incredible summers (Fantasy)

We have all read about how the Jersey Shore is really a phenomenal place to surf, how summer at Bowdoin College is a life-changing experience, and how camping in the Adirondacks is a great way to connect with your inner grizzly bear. These people might as well be talking about how they are spending their summer with Gandalf, Dobby, and a person who hated “The Lego Movie” (none of whom actually exist).

4. Snooki’s Twitter (Horror)

If you thought the Jersey Shore was a bad place to surf, you will find the Internet to be even worse. Mostly because it directs you to the “Jersey Shore”.

5. Movie descriptions on Netflix as you search for a movie that your whole family can agree on (Mystery)

Sure, it seemed like a good family bonding idea initially, but after half an hour of your little brother refusing to watch anything without a high-speed ostrich chase in it and your sister calling every movie with five stars “too mainstream”, you will wish you had just agreed to watch the movie with the talking dogs when you had the chance.

6. The recipe for Nutella cupcakes (Romance)

The heart-wrenching story of how you cheated on your diet will leave you in tears.

7. The warnings as you wait in line to go on a roller coaster (Self-help)

The instructions may seem like they are about how to safely enjoy your ride on the scary roller coaster Talon, but they are really about how to fully enjoy the scary roller coaster called life. For example, “Screaming is recommended” is great advice for many life situations.

8. The tattoo on the neck of the person in front of you at a Nickelback concert (Poetry)

Just kidding. If you are at a Nickelback concert, you will be the only person there.

9. The ingredients on a bag of Doritos (Science Fiction)

You will be reading for quite some time. Doritos have enough ingredients that a mad scientist would be busy for hours trying to replicate that special Cool Ranch flavor. However, these ingredients sound a little suspicious. I am pretty sure that maltodextrin is the name of a Jedi, not a polysaccharide used as a food additive.

       10. An article about what you should read over the summer (Humor)

As you can see, you have already begun!