Apocalypse, Now?

Written by Sam Lincoln, Assistant Working Editor

I didn’t make any New Years Resolutions this year. Because I’m perfect. No, in reality, I don’t see any point in trying to change anything about myself when the world is supposed to end on December 21st.

I’m not going to bother myself with impossible goals like “doing my homework” and “studying” because chances are, I’ll be swallowed up by some black hole before I have the chance to graduate high school.

Instead, I’m going to devote what time there is left to enjoy the wonders of beautiful mother earth and go on Facebook.

Don’t believe the so-called “logical” people who tell you that the Mayan prediction of catastrophic doom in 2012 is incorrectly interpreted. I know that there are many people who have preached to the masses that we will all go up in flames on any given date: December 31st, 1999, July 27th, 2011, April 21st 1995 (that’s my birthday).

Clearly, they were wrong, as you are currently reading this article (Actually, you might want to check to make sure that you aren’t living on post-rapture earth. No? Great.).
Does this mean that the Mayans were wrong too? Absolutely not. The predictions of one of the greatest civilizations ever to exist on earth is much more reliable than the logic of a few crackpots with college degrees in Doomsday Prediction. That being said, I suggest you start stocking up on apocalypse survival materials right away.

I’ve heard that there are a bunch of perks to being a senior, like being old enough to see R-rated movies/drop out of school/no longer having to follow child labor laws. You even get to go to senior prom.

Hey, underclassmen, doesn’t that sound awesome?! Too bad the world will likely have ended before you get to experience any of this.

Class of 2012, I congratulate you, but those diplomas won’t be very useful unless you’re planning on using them as a shield against the Category 17 tornadotsunamiyeti that we’re expecting in a few months.

So why not exchange them for a few plane tickets to Europe, Hawaii, or any place else you want to go?

And while you’re at it, why not mend old friendship and try something you’ve always wanted to do: Surfing, parasailing, milking a cow, even bungee jumping!

Remember, the world’s months are numbered. Take advantage of them before the Earth becomes a glob of uninhabitable ocean fire glob.